Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Madeleine: 'We Can't Let Go"

Madeleine McCann,
abductamurdered in 2007.
A fresh suspect in the Madeleine McCann disappearance has sent ripples running through Fleet Street with journalists both fearing and hoping for a resolution to this seven year itch.  The information comes amid increasingly agitated feelings towards the story from both a weary public and a tired media who are both looking for a chance to move on.

"Children throughout the Algarve."

Earlier today Portuguese Police released details about a suspect wanted in connection with a number of sexual assaults on children throughout the Algarve between the period of 2004 and 2010 that could theoretically link him with Maddy's abduction.

"We can't let go," claimed News Guff Editor-in-Chief Shaky Parkinson, "This story has gone on long enough and we need closure. The sheer costs of monitoring this story over the years is astronomical. The crews, the flights, the takeout, the astronauts and the hotel bills for our man on the ground are sky rocketing. Hey that's a good one leave it in."

"Back in 2007 everyone on the strip thought that a body would turn up within a fortnight, or they'd at least lock up the parents, but one thing lead to another and we've all been landed with a story that won't end and if today's breakthrough doesn't result in a conviction we could be hearing about this child for decades. Perhaps if we'd got out early we could've limited the damage but the papers were selling and we egged on the hysteria so much that we were duty bound to see it through until the end. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than never."

"He's good."

Portuguese authorities were led to the lead (he's good) after CCTV footage was unearthed of their previous suspect buying a hammock at the time of the attacks.  Inspector Pratzo of the Royal Portuguese Policing and Dredging Authority (RPPDA) claimed that this new suspect, "Could've been responsible for Maddy's attack, but it really depends on your definition of could've. And attack."

Various eye witness accounts from across Southern Portugal paint a vivid picture of the perp with the Mother of one Victim describing him as, "Clothed. Foreign, but with a good broken grasp of English. White, but black, you know, sort of in the middle. One of those. They had hair, probably eyes and unless they were using a really good prosthetic like in that film, they had four limbs and may or may not have been a man. You can't really tell these days what with all the fashion."

"Sexually assaulted a number."

"It's all very confusing," continued Inspector Pratzo, "After the British press got involved, dubbed us all a bunch of Clouseau's and pedestalled the parents our investigation went up shit creek.  This new suspect is just one in a long line of people we need to talk to in regards to widening our search for further enquiries. That and he also sexually assaulted a number of young British girls that weren't Madeleine McCann."

"Our eye-witness accounts are blurry. From the description of the attackers clothing we could take it that the suspect may have been in the grip of a superhero delusion and have in fact scared away the real attacker before he could abduct the children and landed himself in a hero's twoddle. This could then possibly hypothetically mean that this other suspect could have stolen Maddy. Then again our suspect hasn't committed a crime in over three years which leads us to Believe and this Believe could have been responsible for his significant life change. Although now he has stopped committing crimes it will make it far trickier to catch him and even harder to locate Madeleine's missing corpse body."
Costume worn by possible
superhero 'The Hole'.

"We believe the attacker followed a pattern that involved, breaking, entering and attacking, although he displayed no signs of kidnapping or murder which markedly sets him apart from the McCann incident. In regards to Maddy's abduction beating nothing is what it seems. Quite frankly we've thrown the box out of the window on this one, but it keeps the money coming in."

"Germany and the Netherlands sparking."

In a bid to get the case moving towards a much needed conclusion the press have dubbed the attacker 'Paedo X' and a special episode of Crimewatch has been broadcast in Germany and the Netherlands sparking over 5,000 calls, "Some of which may have been possibly useful," cited Pratzo, "although that depends very heavily on your definition of useful."

Shaky Parkinson was vocal on the subject, "It's all trumped up gibberish. I blame the myself and the shareholders, they're usually at fault. I mean bloody hell, the poor child's spent more of her life as a news item than she has living it. I wonder what her royalties are worth? Surely we can all move on and pass this dreadful story onto the film companies, the press has done its turn."

Maddy's possible maker's.
"If things don't end soon, we'll be forced into a tricky situation. Personally I'm thinking of taking it down the Satanic route, inject a bit of vim into the mix. Bring in some slutty vampires or something. Yes, I like that. I'll take another glance at the brainstorming chart but let's face it, we're onto something. Either that or we'll just drum up a hate campaign and blame the parents. Let's face it, they're as guilty as sin. Not my words."

"New lead will take us somewhere."

When asked to comment on the news Gerry McCann stated, "Maddy's alive and all that and the fund has done a lot, the windows, the kitchen, the patio and you should see our games room. We just hope this new lead will take us somewhere. You know I'm constantly under suspicion and these accusations can be hurtful so I just ignore these people. I'm very neglectful."

Monday, 7 October 2013

Flame Dies For Olympic Enthusiasm

by Shaky Parkinson

Flame Off.
A typically Russian Olympic torch relay began this morning in Moscow where the flame started its 40,000 mile journey to the town of Sochi in time for the Winter Games in February. The flame is set to travel across the Arctic Ocean, underwater and be blasted into space in one of the most pretentious administrative tasks in history.

Barely a mile from the podium and trouble set in when former swimming champion Shavarsh Karapetyan was dismayed to find that the flame had jumped ship while still in sight of the Kremlin wall. "Probably doesn't dig the cold," he chuckled as a Security Guard tried desperately to reignite Russia's hopes of a gloriously impressive opening ceremony.

"I can't see."

"Surely that counts as a loss?" stated renowned Olympic hater Shaky Parkinson, "I'm not an expert, especially when it comes to people running around in circles, but I do know that when a flame is extinguished and needs to be relit then you are dealing with a different flame just the same gas source and container and I'm pretty sure those rolled off a production line a few months back so I can't see how any form of tradition or ceremony can really be kept alive with this farce."

He continued, "You honestly think that they've kept a flame alive since 1936, with these gas prices? What does it say when you're on your understudy after three hundred metres? This is just another example of how the Olympics is a pretentious load of twaddle. The Olympics is hardly Wimbledon or the Tour De France, neither of these events dick around with 123 day televised warm up jog and they are much cooler."

"It sputtered."

Vladimir Putin and onlookers.
Despite the problems, and the cold weather tens of mistakenly dressed individuals eagerly lined the streets around the Kremlin for a brief glimpse of the flame as it sputtered its way from the stage. With many people offering up their thoughts of the event;

"We gave it a good run and in all fairness Karapetyan was looked a tad tired already. Probably best it's over. Should save us a few bob," noted one spectator.

"My Olympic dream is dead," sighed another.

"Just goes to show you," commented a third.

"This is a PR disaster," was overheard behind the stage.

"I thought it was brilliant," continued Shaky Parkinson, "It was the most human and honest thing I have seen in months."

It is hoped that the torch relay will continue on its journey unimpeded and without incident as the organisers look towards the heavens and shiver.

Monday, 12 August 2013

Staff Memo: Absenteeism

Dear All,

The less said about last nights unpleasantries the better, but when your Editor In Chief decides to skive off work for the week to go see a Barbara Streisand concert he does not enjoy the sight of his entire workforce sobbing their hearts out to 'Woman In Love'.  Further dissatisfaction arises when he was under the impression that at said time they were half way across the city touring our premises with a group of Japanese business investors.  All told I can't help but suffer some misgivings as to your combined work ethic.

Admittedly we're all in the same boat of confusion with regards to their motives, but cash is cash and Goodgame says that according to the computer stats we're shit hot on the Tokyo scene.  Regardless, I still expect my employees, nay, five British citizens (You've been here thirty nine years Robbins, you can't keep claiming Cuban citizenship because of a flight delay) to offer up our guests a modicum of respect and hospitality.

Not only were these gentlemen left alone to wander through the stricken remnants of film night but due to a certain someone leaving the front doors open they also had to content with a ransacked newsroom and a vicious gang of scrap metal dealers who 'inadvertently' stabbed the translator with a fax machine circuit board.

I won't lie, I'm furious, but what really hurts, what really inches the knife further and further into my spine is the fact that after months of suggestions I was excluded from the first film night hooker night cross over.  Unbelievable.  And don't pretend it didn't happen because Douglas tagged me in an image of Chris getting a blowy from a saucy brunette while watching The Big Lebowski.

Until the building is fully restored to its former glory and someone can properly investigate the whereabouts of the chandelier you're all pulling double shifts.  Consider this a pre-punsihment until I can think of something more befitting a group of inhospitable layabouts such as yourselves. Think the Douglas cleaning debacle only worse.

Now if you'll excuse me I've got a crushing headache to contend with, no thanks to yourselves and will probably be off sick for a few days. While I'm gone I don't want any shenanigans and I already checked, the chandelier hasn't been sold to the O2 so try looking elsewhere.

Yours Disappointedly,

Shaky xxx

Monday, 29 July 2013

Prince Andrew Stubs Toe

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Mary's Hospital
Despite week wide coverage of the royal birth the Royal Families medical problems seem far from over as belated reports are surfacing that last Prince Andrew has spent the last week in intensive care after stubbing his toe.

The incident took place last Sunday while Prince Andrew was visiting his Mother for a friendly game of cribbage to see in the end of the Duchess of Cambridge's pregnancy.  It is believed that Prince Andrew rose to fix them both a ginger shandy when his foot came into swift contact with the Edwardian drinks cabinet causing massive damage to his right foot.

"Hordes of fanatics."

Matters darkened when Prince Andrew was unable to secure any medical attention due to the imminent arrival of the heir apparent and was forced to drive himself to St. Mary's Hospital where upon arriving he had to battle his way through the hordes of fanatics who had encamped themselves on the doorsteps to witness the first glimpses of the as yet unborn child.

"They were everywhere," commented Prince Andrew during his recovery interview this morning, "A rabble of freaks and nutballs, Christ knows what it'll be like at the christening. Normally I would have kept my distance and let time work its magic but due to the weather I was only wearing a pair of suede loafers and the damage to my toe was considerable."
Prince Andrew driving
himself to hospital.

"From there on in it only got worse. It took me hours to steal away a nurse through all the commotion and was only treated to an examination when the chief of surgery slipped on the blood spewing from my toe.  It didn't help any that the nurse had me installed in the suite next door to Kate and frankly the noise was unbearable, you'd have thought she was giving birth to a Chelsea supporter with tourette's."

He continued, "It's not like I wanted to make a fuss and overshadow the 'occasion' but this was a serious wound, there was blood everywhere and I could see bone.  I've never experienced pain like this but luckily they aren't going to amputate so we dodged a bullet there, although not a table, am I right?"

"Every stubbing is different."

The almost unshowable stubbed toe.
"We've kept the Prince heavily medicated due to his injuries," claimed the on duty Nurse, "I've been treating patients for years and I've never seen a stubbed toe this horrific.  Every stubbing is different but this is about as bad as it could possibly be. We wish him a speedy recovery and hope he'll be right as rain for the little one's Christening, it's going to be heavenly."

Prince Andrew is said to be doing well and will be kept in hospital for observation over the next fortnight in the company of his sister Princess Anne and brother Prince Edward after they were both admitted with dicky tummies late on Tuesday night.

Friday, 12 July 2013

South London Supermarket Stolen

by Shaky Parkinson

Offensive promotion.
The townsfolk of Purley have been left stunned after their local 150,000 sqft, 24hr Tesco+ was stolen in a daring raid yesterday evening.  The thieves made off with the shop at around 6pm leaving staff and shoppers shocked and confused.

"Until they disappeared."

A number of individuals dressed in dark tracksuits and hooded tops are said to have entered the shop at around 9am carrying large travel bags and were seen acting suspiciously for a number of hours until they disappeared into the rush hour queues with the building and its contents.

"Everything was fine one minute," claimed eye witness shopper Cathy Ballake, "I was looking up the calorie content on a Muller crunch corner then all of a sudden there was a heavy breeze and my basket had disappeared along with the yogurt and the rest of the fridge aisle."

"There'd been a bit of a draft all day," noted Supervisor Gregory Patesh, "So I was speaking with our maintenance man in the delivery area when the air conditioning unit that we'd been inspecting vanished before our eyes not too mention the ladder we were using.  I wasn't even able to fill out a health and safety report for Graham's broken pelvis because all our offices had been stolen. I just can't believe this has happened."

"I'm not even supposed to be here today," claimed employee Dante Hicks, "I was taking a break out back and before I could drench them in milk my Frosties had disappeared and the floor was covered. I'm not even supposed to be here."

"There were."

Head of security Arthur Shank was monitoring the store's cameras at the time of the robbery, "There were a few suspicious looking characters hanging around the magazines but as went to alter the cameras for a better look the security console was gone along with my keys and hat. I don't know what to tell you. I think I was still shaken by the day's earlier incident."

Mr. Parker being held captive.
The incident mentioned took place at 1.15pm when 82 year old retired priest George Parker was pinned and held at gun point after being accused of shoplifting a Twix. Mr. Parker had apparently, 'Popped in for a snack' when he was jumped on his way out of the supermarket for what later turned out to be a fault with the self-service checkouts. Yet it is incidents such as this that have raised questions about Tesco's 'Coin for Convicts' program that sees work based rehabilitation placements offered to recently paroled criminals in a bid to help reintegrate them into society.

"We need to look into the program," spoke Group CEO Philip Clarke, "After that job centre toilet incident we thought we'd go heavily in the opposite direction but that seems to have bitten us in the arse. That's not to say we are accusing anyone but the loss of an entire store is really serious. They cost a bloody fortune to build, so all in all with the vicar's lawsuit it's been a pretty shocking day."

"Good Riddance."

Feeling wasn't all negative with the general public taking a very different stance on the robbery with Mrs. Robinson of Eckton Drive happy at the Tesco's misfortune, "I say good riddance, the food is overpriced and the quality leaves much to be desired, like taste and freshness. They need to know people won't stand for it and I think the thieves should be praised, but certainly not knighted."

One gang member working
unnoticed at the front of store.
"I'm in two minds," spoke shopper Darren Hump, "I was in the market for a box of Mr. Kipling Lemon Slices but quite frankly I'm outraged at the cost and seeing as I'm not the slimmest chap I'm glad the temptation has been taken away from me. This is going to do wonders for my diet."

"We have no definitive leads."

It is thought that recent trouble with the supermarket giant at their choice of 'holier than though' advertising which caused massive friction with the local community is to blame however police were quick to distill these ideas, "What we're dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law, chkechkechkchkchk," claimed Detective Inspector Mike Willis of the Metropolitan Police as he removed his earphones, "At this current time we have no definitive leads but are pursuing a number of enquiries."

He continued, "What we do know is that this is sadly not a revenge theft, just a meticulously planned heist. From the CCTV footage we have obtained from our security cameras before they were stolen we believe that the suspects are a large gang of about five individuals and either a midget or a sixth member with severe bone disfigurement.  At this stage of the game we don't hold out much hope of finding the supermarket intact as it is likely to have been broken down and sold off in parts so we ask the public to be vigilant for any non-bagged multipack salt and vinegar Walkers.  In addition to our investigation we are appealing for anyone with any information to come forward so that we can solve this doozy before it gets the better of us."
One thief subtly entering
the premises.

Despite no arrests being made the police aren't ruling out the prospect that the robbery could be linked with similar thefts in Croydon and Redhill where two Post Offices, an ASDA and a Timpsons were stolen in a week long spree in June by a scrap gang working out of Twatlington.

"I've got one child!"

The aftermath of the theft is still being realised as scores of people have begun rioting in the now vacant  car park due to an inability to purchase liquor for the coming weekend. "They've got us by the balls," claimed protestor Sandra Gubbins, "They take down all the competition then go and get themselves stolen and as usual it is us that suffer. I've got one child to feed, not too mention the fact I've got nothing to serve our friends at tomorrow's barbecue, this is a disaster. I feel abused."

Rioters in the car park.
"I don't know what they expect us to do," continued Clarke, "They'll just have to get through the next two days sober.  Our first priority is to recover our missing property and if they need food they'll have to make do with their nearest Tesco Metro which is only 0.1miles away."

Police have been called to the scene to calm the rabble and investigate the claims that certain rioters have been seen making amateur firebombs to launch at the foundations of the supermarket. "This is very counter productive," continued Detective Willis, "The more time we have to waste yelling at these morons the longer it is going to take us to get our job done."  However it seems set that the rioting is set to continue as the police's hope of catching the culprits lessens with every minute.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013


ELVIS LIVES!!! ;ku;kjn;iukh HE LIVES!!! ROCK AND Rjbkafbaowugkfwakf Get him out of here.  Dammit Douglas! I thought you were covering security. For fuck's sake what's all this?  It's not going to print is it? What's that little microphone thing flashing for?  Someone get Goodgame in here. Jesus Robbins what is it now? Delivery for you. rufflflflflflflflfe. About bloody time do you know how long I've been waiting for these cue tips? I haven't broken a century since Christmas. What's up chief? My fist in your ego if you can't fix this computer. It keeps writing everything I say and I can't make it stop. Look it's doing it now. No problem I've got it sorted. Good 'cos I've got a lunch date with the bloody press complaints commission, apparently we've breached standards again. Fuck knows why. Have you fixed it? I reckon so, hopefully this'll sort things out. Just hit okay. Shouldn't that be cancel? No it's one of those backwards ones. Good I'm going out make sure this is sorted by the time I get back and whatever you do make sure it doesn't go live. Righto Chief. Let's just okay this and see wh...

Friday, 14 June 2013

Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.
Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.
This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.
What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.